I Dreamed Last Night

I dreamed that I’d just finished school (high school? College?) and had no idea what to do. All my earthly goods were in storage and I had no place to live, no job, no one to fall back on, and I was hoping an old high school friend would whisk me away and spare me the decisions ahead. Even in my dream I knew that wouldn’t work out.

I woke with anxiety gripping my chest, and had to remind myself that I’m grown, with a husband, a house, three kids, and an easy life (relatively). Physically, I’m settled. Spiritually, maybe not so much? Perhaps that explains the dream.

Growing up, I was part of a hardcore religion. There were endless lists of daily devotions and weekly meetings and commitments and restrictions . . . it was suffocating, and I’m glad to have left it behind. Ever since I’ve had room to breathe and grow in ways that I desperately needed.

But I miss the daily devotions. As an atheist/pantheist/whatever I’m free to find solace and hope just about anywhere that works, but I also lack focus and the sense of duty that once made me rise early for prayer and scripture. It’s been nearly five years since I quit and I still kind of miss the structure. I miss the calm, focused beginning and end to my days and the sense of rhythm I had. Even without faith (which was gone years before I stopped going through the religious motions), I enjoyed some of the rituals.

Following the pagan Wheel of the Year and the cycles of the moon has slowly brought rhythm back to my life, but I’ve lately been needing more. I need a daily practice. It’s still taking shape and might be for quite a while, but it starts with me getting up earlier so I can have a few minutes to myself. I’m trying to spend those minutes feeling the weather, listening for birds, really smelling my morning coffee and tasting my breakfast, and taking a moment to notice something beautiful or interesting. (Maybe with pictures–I guess that strawberry was my morning devotional photo.)

And probably doing some reading. I have a lot to say about the reading, so I’ll save that for another post. Until then, be well and have a pretty good day.

 

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